“Where there are no oxen, the feeding trough is clean,
but an abundant harvest is produced by strong oxen.”
Proverbs 14:4
When I met my now wife, I knew that she would be the one I would marry–or at least I hoped that she would be :). But, soon after, during the dating and engagement process, I realized the level of commitment was not like anything I had ever faced before.
Commitment.
It’s hard to describe the level, depth, and scope of commitment I was now considering before marriage. In essence, I was saying “no” to every other potential mate (and so was my wife)…I was saying “no” to an old life that revolved around doing what I wanted when I wanted…I was saying “no” to spending my money a certain way…and on and on.
On the other hand, I was saying “yes” to companionship built on trust and sacrifice…I was saying “yes” to shared memories with one that chose me above all other potential spouses…I was saying “yes” to displaying the love of God to a lost world…I was saying “yes” to bringing children into this world that would not only look like us, but would image God…I was saying “yes” to teaching, training, and preparing the next generation to do greater things than my wife or I had ever dreamed…I was saying “yes” to confession, authenticity, and selflessness…and on and on.
The Problem.
The reality is, in many ways…marriage is an unknown. It’s an unknown in regards to ongoing sexual intimacy. It’s an unknown in regards to having and rearing children. It’s an unknown in regards to relational chemistry. It’s an unknown in regards to seasons one faces. It’s an unknown in regards to sickness, health, tragedies, and triumphs that will be endured. It’s an unknown in regards to in-laws. It’s an unknown in regards to financial struggles. It’s an unknown in regards to fidelity. It’s an unknown in regards to reciprocal companionship. And on and on.
These unknowns (and many more) have caused and continue to cause so many to put marriage off or try it on for size over and over.
The Reality.
Marriage is harder than I ever thought it would be, but in the same breath it’s better than I ever could have imagined.
We have traveled the country and have relied upon each other in different and complementary ways. There have been times when I have been weak and my wife strong. Other times, my wife has been weak, and I have been strong. And, as a wonderfully significant blessing, my wife and I have brought three lives into this world and are in the process of preparing them for life. And for the three lives, we have had (and continue to have) the fortitude to educate our children, to make diverse and varied memories with our children, and have established biblical routines and a Christian foundation for our children. There are no guarantees, but we have the privilege of shaping the next generation with each day we have these little lives in our house.
However, the unglamorous side of this institution called “family” has been battling a consistent mess pile in the house, in the vehicles, and in rooms. We have lost efficiency in travel and getting ready. We have had to forgo many opportunities of financial advancement, and instead have chosen to sacrifice for our children’s well-being and life-preparation. Moreover, we have had to confess and say, “I’m sorry.” We have had to flex, adjust, and walk in the fear of the Lord so that our children would see imperfect parents relying upon a perfect God.
The Health of the Family.
What we have not tried to do is build a house of cards. In other words, our family does not pretend to be perfect. We don’t shield our kids from everything the world will throw at them. Instead, we have asked for forgiveness, we have (when the children are emotionally and spiritually ready) exposed them to the world. We are honest with each other, and we aim for our lives to look like Christ. In the face of our children’s sibling-spats, fussy-tears, selfish-frustrations, and un-met expectations, we come back to God’s love for us and His sending of His Son to meet and exceed all our expectations and needs.
The health of our family is built upon the gospel of Jesus Christ. In essence, it shapes our marriage and our parenting in every way, and puts forth the following logic: “If Christ can sacrifice, forgive, and love me (us) in a certain way, then I can sacrifice, forgive, and love my wife and my children in the same way, depth, and scope as Christ did for me.” Christ’s commitment to me informs and motivates my commitment to my wife, children, and family.
The manger of our lives is often not clean, but there has been an abundant harvest to enjoy.
May there raise up in this country men and women who will press in to the commitment of a healthy family…a commitment built on imaging and reflecting the gospel of Jesus Christ.
— September 25, 2020