“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?”
James 4:1
Conflict is that awkward element of life woven into the tapestry of human interaction. When individuals gather for any purpose over extended periods of time, a natural consequence of that journey with fellow travelers is friction. Leaders know this, and they move forward prudently.
Most of us don’t like conflict. In fact, we’re usually avoiding it because of the discomfort tied to its experience. However, when we step back from those trying situations, we realize, on the one hand, we’ve presented–on the metaphorical table–a bitter dish not so delightfully enjoyed by our guests. And on the other hand, like being caught in a downpour without an umbrella, we’re undercut by another’s malice, envy, or differing agenda.
However, when we respect and biblically work through conflict, leaders can display resilience, empathy, and understanding, pushing against the sinful self-centeredness of the human condition and experiencing the best that is yet to come. So, the challenge for us all is to accept the moments where conflicts may arise like fiery sparks as God’s good provision for profound growth and transformation.
While accepting that conflict is part of human existence is one step, it’s not the final step. We’re all aware that other factors come into play as we seek peace where there is relational chaos and order where there is relational disorder. Wisdom teaches us that time is often a sweet salve on the parched skin of relationships experiencing conflict. Thus, as we seek conflict resolution, we are balancing on the one hand time, letting emotions settle, and initiative, facing the conflict with each particular person courageously, gently, and humbly. It follows that balancing courage, wisdom, and time guides the appropriate steps toward seeking restoration with the people with whom there is discord. Once we decide to move toward conflict resolution, we must seek biblical guidance on the next steps.
How is this done biblically?
It starts with humility and ends with a desire for restoration. Being humble is not easy, nor is restoration always possible. We don’t like being wrong, out of control, or misrepresented, and we have a hard time imagining being restored to someone who evokes pain in our lives.
However, the Christian’s example is Christ, who perfectly displayed the way through conflict and taught His followers how they ought to proceed in Matthew 18:15-35:
- If a person sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
- If he does not listen to you, take one or more close to the situation to humbly and gently confront the person.
- If he refuses to listen to you as a group, bring it to the church.
- He is removed from the church’s fellowship and treated as an unbeliever if he refuses.
- In every case, we follow Jesus’ command of forgiveness when He said (regarding how many times we should forgive someone), “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22).
How can we apply this biblical principle to our lives today?
- If a person has a pattern of bringing conflict into y’all’s relationship, then address it with them individually and appropriately.
- To better understand others, start by communicating with Christlike love and trust. If something feels off or confusing, ask for clarification. Discuss the issue with the people directly involved in the conversation to clarify misunderstandings. Simply say, “Can you help me understand ______?”
- If, after you have let some time pass, the person keeps behaving in the same harmful way and it’s evident that he ignored your initial conversation, you should bring one or more people close to the situation and kindly address the issue with him.
- While having a follow-up conversation with added people is not easy, it elevates the weight and sincerity and communicates the desire to restore by sending a powerful message.
- If he refuses to listen to you as a group, bring in trusted authorities who are respected by both of you.
- If he remains persistent in his sin or denies the problem he is creating, remove yourself from fellowship until he sees his harmful contribution to the relationship.
In all cases, it’s critical to…
- Remain humble.
- Aim for restoration, which may take time and not be how you expected.
- Honor God…with your message (words, actions, attitude).
- Believe the best: Give the other person the advantage of thinking positively about them, just as you would expect them to do the same for you.